In debates about Red Pill topics, feminists have often made statements to me such as, “I hope you never have a daughter,” “Your daughter is going to be screwed up,” and “When you have a daughter, your mind will be changed on all these topics.”

I, however, disagree. I firmly believe that a man who understands the Red Pill is better positioned to help a young woman succeed in life and avoid the pitfalls of her feminist sisters. Ironically, I suspect that most of these critics either had no father in their life growing up or had a weak father who failed to do his duty.

In response to these feminists, I’ve decided to share a letter that I’ve written from a Red Pilled man to his daughter on the day she turns 15. This letter is written from a Christian perspective as well, though I believe the principles stand even for a secular audience.

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To my Daughter,

You’ve turned 15 today, and I want to wish you a Happy Birthday.  I’m sure your mother and I have prepared gifts for you, as have many other friends and family.  However, years ago, when you were just a little girl, I contemplated the most important things in life I could ever give you as your father, and I realized that one of those things was the cold hard truth about Men, Relationships, and Sex.  I knew this was something you would need once you were old enough to understand, but before you left my house.  I started working on this letter back then and have tweaked it many times throughout the years, but I’m presenting it to you now, and I urge you to take seriously everything I’m about to tell you.

I know you’ve talked to your mother about boys and sex, and everything she’s told you is valuable and from a heart of love.  As you continue to grow, you’ll hear far more about men, sex, and relationships from many different sources.  Friends, television, internet and other sources will all try to explain the ins and outs of it to you, but please understand my daughter, that these sources do not have your best interests at heart.  They have their own best interests at heart, and want you to make decisions about men, sex, and relationships that benefit THEM.

Unlike those sources, I am your father.  I tell you what I am about to tell you not for my personal benefit, not for your mother’s personal benefit, or for the benefit of others, but for your benefit alone.  Much of what I am about to tell you may seem cruel, unfeeling, and unfair, but I tell it to you because it is the truth, and the decisions you are going to make in the next decade about men, sex, and relationships will have lasting impact for the rest of your life.  In just a few short years, you will be an adult, and the decisions you make will be yours and yours alone, but you must not treat these decisions like they are frivolous.

Male and Female Nature

First and most important, we must talk about the nature of men and women.  This is not a judgment about you, about specific men, or about specific women. It is about our innate human natures.  Quite simply, men and women are different, and left to their own devices, they tend to behave in a certain way.  In and of itself, this is not good or evil.  It is not right or wrong.  It simply is.  These are immutable facts of human nature.  They cannot be changed or abolished no matter how much we might like them to be different.  When it comes to sex and relationships, men and women have different innate natures that drive their behavior whether they consciously realize it or not.

Of the two sexes, men have a lower cost when it comes to sex and reproduction.  It is physically possible for a man to have sex with numerous different women without ever once risking that he becomes pregnant himself.  The more women a man has sex with, the greater the chances that these women will bear his children, and the more children he has, the greater the chances that his genes will be passed on to the next generation.  Unlike women, men are not bound by time restraints like menopause, and most men will be able to father children from their youth well into their old age.

For these reasons, men have a deep-seated, instinctive desire for sexual variety.  Most men find most women sexually attractive, including you.  As you go about your life you will meet many different men.  Many men will seek to talk to you, befriend you, and maybe even begin a relationship with you, but you must understand that on a primal level, the reason this is occurring is because they are hoping that eventually their actions will lead them to a place where you will willingly have sex with them.  This may be an uncomfortable thought, but you must understand it as you seek to navigate the choices you make regarding how you interact with men and which men you choose to spend your time with.

Unlike men, women have a much higher cost when it comes to sex and reproduction.  A woman can only endure one pregnancy at a time and once she becomes pregnant, she cannot change who the father of her child is.  Pregnancy changes her body, making her more physically vulnerable and in need of protection.  Beyond this, women have a limited window of fertility that begins in their teens and will end sometime during middle age when they go through menopause.

For these reasons, women, including you, have a deep-seated, instinctive desire not for variety but for sexual primacy.  Unlike men who find themselves attracted to many different women, you will not find yourself attracted to many different men.  Instead, you will find the vast, vast majority of men to be unattractive.  You will find yourself attracted only to those men that you perceive as better than you in some way.  This may include a man’s physical appearance, how much money he earns, his educational level, social status, or the image that he projects among others.  The underlying reason for this, is that every woman instinctively wants a man who is able to give her the strongest, healthiest children possible, and thereafter protect her and provide for her and her offspring, thereby ensuring the greatest chance that her genes will be passed on to the next generation.

Please understand, my daughter, that I am NOT saying that any actions a man or woman takes regarding the opposite sex and relationships are justified or morally good.  In fact, many actions that men and women make in pursuit of their own sexual strategies are grossly immoral and harmful to society as a whole.  However, you must understand that this is how men and women are built.  All men and all women experience sexual desire in the fashion I’ve just described, and you must understand it so that you can protect yourself and make good decisions accordingly.

Women Control Access to Sex.  Men Control Access to Commitment

Based on what I’ve just described, it should be apparent that men and women have different reasons for desiring sex and relationships.  Men inherently place a greater value on the act of sex itself whether or not it results in a committed relationship with the woman he has sex with.  Women, on the other hand, inherently place a greater value on commitment and staying together in a committed relationship than they do on the act of sex itself.

You, as a woman, control access to sex. That means that you will decide who you will have sex with, when you will have sex with him, where you will have sex with him, and under what circumstances you will have sex with him.  In terms of your value as a woman, access to sex is your trump card.  It is the greatest power you have when it comes to relationships with men.  You must not use it capriciously, recklessly, or frequently. For reasons I’ll explain below, you cannot afford to do so.

Men control access to commitment.  This means that a man decides whom he will expend money, time and resources on, when they will be expended, how much will be spent, and ultimately when commitment will be provided in the form of exclusivity and marriage. Access to commitment is the man’s trump card.  It is the greatest power he has.  You should not be surprised that he does not use it capriciously, recklessly, or frequently. He cannot afford to do so.

Marriage and Sex

My daughter, I know that you’ve already heard your mother and I repeat this to you ad nauseum.  However, I’m saying it to you again in light of everything I’ve just told you.  YOU MUST NEVER…EVER…HAVE SEX WITH A MAN UNTIL YOUR WEDDING NIGHT.  I say this to you not because I’m old-fashioned or because I want to spoil your fun as a young adult.  I say it because failure to do this will significantly reduce your value to men in general and greatly reduce your ability to have a successful, God-honoring family of your own one day.

The pathway of any relationship between a man and a woman depends almost exclusively on how each of them seek to deploy their trump cards of commitment and sex respectively.  If either person can get what they want from the other without deploying their trump card, there will be no reason for the relationship to progress towards marriage.

Women often use their sexuality to persuade a man into giving her time, money, resources, and ultimately commitment through marriage.  By contrast, a man often hands out commitment and resources in ever increasing amounts to convince the woman to have sex with him.  Once you realize this, it should be clear that if you give a man sex before he commits to you in marriage, he loses his primary incentive to proceed.  If he already got what he wants from you, why should he give up his innate reproductive strategy of having sex with as many different women as possible?

Herein lies a harsh truth that many women struggle to grasp.  The fact that a man wants to have sex with you DOES NOT, in any way, mean that he wants to marry you or even that he sees you as a viable marriage partner.  Remember that for men, sexual variety is their innate reproductive strategy.  He finds the vast majority of women to be sexually attractive, and so the fact that he wants to have sex with you does not prove that you are special to him.

A common lie that men will tell women (whether it is explicitly stated or not) is that having premarital sex is the only way to maintain the relationship.  The man will insinuate, explicitly or implicitly, that he will end the relationship if you do not have premarital sex with him.

Please understand, my daughter, that if this is truly how he feels, the relationship CANNOT be saved.  If he truly loved and cared for you, he would be willing to wait until marriage to have you.  The fact that he is not proves definitively that he only wants sex from you and will happily leave the relationship once he has obtained it.  If you give him sex to save the relationship, not only will the relationship NOT be saved, you will lower your value in the eyes of other men, making it less likely that you will find a successful marriage with a different man thereafter.

Attracting a Worthwhile Husband

When it comes to finding a husband, you must be able to do two different things.  You must first attract the man.  Second, you must show the man that it is worth his while to commit to you and stay.  To attract the man that you want, you must understand the importance of these 3 things: physical appearance, age, and virginity. To keep a man, you must bring more to the table than just your body.  You will need to cultivate a pleasing personality and demonstrate that you can fulfill the roles of wife and mother.

Physical Appearance

Your attractiveness to men begins with your physical appearance.  I am sorry.  I know this is unfair, but this is simply the way it is. Some aspects of your physical appearance are genetic and outside your control, but to the extent you are able, you must do what is within your control to cultivate a pleasing appearance.

Different men may have different preferences when it comes to specific aspects of female appearance, but overall there are things that are virtually universally considered attractive by men. Your appearance must communicate that you are feminine and that you take your personal health seriously. Dressing like a man or adopting a man’s hairstyle make you less attractive to the vast majority of men. A healthy diet, regular exercise, skin care, tasteful makeup that is not excessive, and feminine clothing are all important parts of being physically attractive to men.

Age

You will be more attractive in your teens and 20s than at any other time in your life.  For that reason, a deliberate search for your husband must begin from the time you turn 18.  I am not saying that you ought to marry the first man who comes along or that you must rush the decision without proper vetting. What I am saying is that during the window of your teens and 20s (roughly 18-25) you are most attractive to the widest swath of men and truly hold all the cards when it comes to mate selection. If you wait until later in life to begin looking for a husband, you put yourself at a severe disadvantage and will have less and less options available to you the longer you wait.

I do not care what anyone else has told you. All other things being equal, you WILL be less appealing at age 30 than at age 20.  Nearly all women at age 20 have some level of appeal, and studies have overwhelmingly shown that men of all ages find women in their early 20s to be more attractive than women in any other age group.  As you get older, you will become less attractive, even if you take good care of yourself.  

I do not say this to be cruel.  It is simply a fact.  A woman at age 20 is much, much more attractive than she is at age 30, even if she has taken good care of herself.  Her attractiveness only decreases further at age 40 and beyond, all other things being equal.

However, age isn’t simply about attractiveness.  If you want to have children, it will be much easier to carry and birth them in your 20s than in your 30s or 40s. I do not care what anyone else has told you. It is much safer for women and their children for a woman to have finished bearing children by age 35.  You have a much better chance of having healthy children, and fewer health risks to yourself, if you have them sooner rather than later. Not only that, once you have the children, you will spend the next 18 years or more raising them.  It is better to have them sooner rather than later so that you have the health and stamina to raise them properly.

Virginity

The fewer sexual partners you have had, the more attractive to men you will be, and a virgin bride is the most attractive candidate of all.  Conversely, your attractiveness decreases as your sexual partner count increases.  I don’t care what you have heard from anyone else.  Men instinctively know that a virgin bride is of higher value than a woman who has had even a single sexual partner other than her husband, and a man does not want to be a woman’s 20th sexual partner for any reason other than the act of sex itself.  Do not mistake a man’s willingness to have sex with a woman who has a high body count as evidence that he sees her as worthwhile for marriage.

Even if women do not openly disclose their body count, men can tell which women have had a lot of sexual experience and which have not.  The more men a woman has sex with, the less attractive she will find the man she ultimately marries, and that’s assuming she will be able to find a man who is willing to marry her.  Studies show that women with high partner counts are much more likely to divorce their husbands, and men act on this accordingly when considering marriage.  As her partner count increases, so too does the likelihood of unplanned pregnancy or contracting a sexually transmitted disease (STD).

Don’t think you can beat the odds.  You can’t.  If you decide to have sex with lots of men, your attractiveness will decline with each new partner.  Even if you don’t get pregnant or contract an STD, your higher partner count makes you less attractive to men for anything other than sex itself.  As you get older and remain unmarried, you will find it increasingly difficult to attract men.  Before you know it, you will have squandered your most attractive years on men who would not give you their commitment.  You will have played your trump card too early, and in the end, you will be the one to lose.

Double Standards that aren’t Double Standards

In today’s day and age, many people complain that it is unfair that men who have many sexual partners are called studs, while women who have many sexual partners are called sluts.  They claim this is a double standard and that men’s and women’s sexual experiences should be treated the same.  Further, many Christians rightly point out that from a Biblical standpoint, men are called to be chaste before marriage just as women are.

However, do not forget that we have already established that men and women are not the same.  Men and women have different inherent natures and reproductive strategies.  Since women are not sexually attracted to the vast majority of men, a man who successfully has sex with many women demonstrates that he is above average and that women have deemed him attractive for sex.  While this demonstrates a lack of morality and self-control, this is considered impressive since it’s something most men are not able to do.

On the other hand, since men are sexually attracted to the vast majority of women, a woman who successfully has sex with many men does not similarly prove that there is anything special about her.  For her, finding new sex partners is no more impressive than breathing. It’s something even an unattractive woman can do with little effort.

I DO NOT point this out to say that men should be promiscuous compared to women.  As you vet men for marriage, you should not view a man who has had many sexual partners as a good candidate.  Such a man has proven that he values sex with multiple women more than he values a wife and a family of his own, and he is unlikely to remain faithful, even if he marries. A worthwhile candidate to be your husband ought to be a virgin on your wedding day just as you are.

However, I do point this out to showcase yet again that men and women are different, and while unfair, male promiscuity will never be viewed as unfavorably as female promiscuity.  I am sorry my daughter, but this is simply the way it is.

The Roles of Wife and Mother

To keep a man, you must offer more than appearance, age, and virginity.  You must cultivate a pleasant personality.  Men have the burden of performance in society and are constantly faced with criticism.  As such, men don’t want a pessimistic woman, or a woman who complains and nags. They want someone who will be cheerful and encouraging to them, especially when everyone else in their life is not.  Be kind, pleasant, optimistic and non-demanding.  

This is not to say that your needs are not important.  They are.  Just recognize that his needs are important too, and more significantly, he is expected to make sacrifices for your well being and the well being of your children that you will not be expected to make.  Your wants and needs do not always come first.

Do not be crass, rude, vulgar, profane, sarcastic or caustic.  Do not complain about his hobbies or interests. Men hate it when their women complain or bother them about things.  Men absolutely hate being around a pessimistic woman who can’t find anything good about her life, her circumstances, the people around her, or herself.  Men do not like gossiping, sniping or sarcasm from women.  Most of all, men DO NOT want to be with women who act like, talk like or look like men.  You are a woman and femininity is your ally when it comes to attracting men.

Please remember that a man is ultimately looking for a woman who will support him emotionally, physically, and make the demands of his life less difficult. He wants someone who will care for his home, his children, and make all the rigors of his chosen career worthwhile. He is not looking for someone with equivalent educational experience, who matches his earning power, or who competes with him in the corporate world.

When men earn educational degrees, make more money, and rise to higher levels of status in society, they generally become more attractive to women. Please understand that the same is not true of women.  You are free to pursue an education and career of your own prior to marriage if that is what you desire, but earning degrees, making money, and earning societal markers of status DOES NOT make you more attractive as a wife and a mother.  In fact, it actually shrinks the pool of men who you will find attractive since women are instinctively drawn to men who are of a higher status than themselves. There is no guarantee that a man from this increasingly smaller pool of men will want to marry you.

Interactions with Men

Like a male peacock displaying its feathers, men display themselves to women.  Women choose men based on the displays they see.  While your brother will have to approach many different women before he finds one who is interested, you will be able to select the man you find most worthy among those who seek to court you.  This is an inherent advantage in the relationship game that you have as a woman.

Now that you are a young woman, you will find that men everywhere will approach you and want to talk to you.  Once you turn 18, this will increase dramatically and will include men of all ages.  Do not forget that in the vast majority of circumstances, they are doing this with an end goal of having sex with you.  Men are not talking to you for intellectual stimulation.  They are not interested in being your platonic friend.  They want to have sex with you.

You will not find most of these men attractive, and you will have to reject most of them. A simple, “I am not interested,” will suffice.  You do not owe them an explanation for why you do not want to date them.  However, to the extent possible, be kind in your rejection.  Do not publicly chastise a man for asking you out or complain about him to your friends.  This will make you less approachable by men in general.

Please understand that you cannot be “just friends” with a man.  I am not saying that you can never be friendly with men you aren’t dating or spend time with men and women in a group context.  However, never forget that men do not seek friendships with women unless they have a sexual interest in them.  If you try to build an intimate friendship with a male friend, it will at best, come to an end once you find a man you do want to date, and at worst, one or both of you will be hurt.

The men you will find attractive will be those who display confidence, charisma, and dominance in some manner.  However, if he is indeed an attractive man, many other women will find him attractive as well.  Inevitably, you will find yourself attracted to a man who ends up selecting a different woman or women to date and you must learn to accept this and move on.

Many women mistakenly think that they can beat out their competition for a man’s commitment by being the first to offer him sex.  As we’ve already discussed, this is a futile effort.  A man’s interest in sex does not indicate marital interest, and once you play your trump card, he has significantly less incentive to offer you commitment.  If he is not willing to wait for marriage, no matter how attractive he is, move on.  It is not worth it in the long run.

Breakups

It is highly unlikely that the first man you choose to date will be the one you will end up marrying.  You will need to break up with a man at some point.  When this happens, the best way to break up with him is to simply say “I do not want to date you anymore.” That’s it.  You do not owe him an explanation, and you are not obligated to help him find closure.  So long as you have good reasons for wanting to end the relationship, do not waste time trying to fix it.

To be sure, you can give the man an explanation for why you broke up with him if you want, but this is not required. Sometimes men are genuinely seeking to improve themselves when they ask why you want to break up, and if you believe you can genuinely help him be a better person by offering an explanation, then well and good. However, some men are simply trying to reverse your decision to break up with them or to “put you in the wrong” for the relationship not working out. These kinds of men are generally not worth your time anyways and deserve no explanation for why you want to end things.

Characteristics of a Worthwhile Husband

As a final encouragement to you, I would like you to consider the kind of man you want to be married to someday.  You may have an image of what he looks like and acts like in your head and I must be clear that who you are attracted to is largely your business and not something anyone else can dictate for you.  However, I would like you to consider the following facts:

1.       The man you are picking to be your husband will be your leader and protector, and the Bible commands you to submit to him as you do to Christ.  You do not get a do over, so choose wisely.

2.       The man you pick is going to age and will eventually not be as physically attractive as he is on the day you marry him.

3.       Marriage tends to amplify character flaws, not hide them.  Whatever you don’t like about him before marriage will only be worse afterwards.

This all being said, please do not prioritize things like physical appearance, wealth, or status when you select a husband over his moral character and his demonstrated ability to be a husband and a father.  This is not to say that it is wrong of you to want any of those former things, and if you can find a man who has them all, wonderful.  However, many women foolishly select husbands solely on the basis of his appearance, wealth, and status and then discover later that he lacks moral character and is neither a good husband nor a good father.  These women have no one to blame but themselves. Women are the selectors of our species and select among their suitors, not the other way around.

Choose a man who first and foremost is a believer and demonstrated follower of Christ.  Do not marry a man who becomes a Christian after meeting you.  You will never be able to be sure whether or not his conversion was genuine if it had something to do with dating you.

Choose a man who has demonstrated sound judgment and control of his emotions.  He will be your leader and protector.  You cannot afford to choose a husband who lacks these abilities.

Finally, to the extent possible, choose a man that your mother and I, your grandfather and your grandmother, and others close to you approve of.  As those closest to you who are not caught up in the hormone induced feelings of attraction, we will be able to offer you insight into things that you may easily overlook.  The decision is ultimately yours, but you would be foolish not to accept our counsel.

Closing

Again, happy birthday.  I hope you keep this letter close to your heart. Read it and re-read it throughout the years, as you begin to date, and once more when you believe you’ve found the man you want to marry.  I love you very much, and no decision you make could ever make me love you less.  But do not forget that decisions regarding what we’ve discussed here will have long lasting consequences.

Love,

Your father